For the past 4 months now I have only gotten out without the girls 3-4 times, and those times were for no more than 2 hours each. We were lucky enough to have one of these times be a date night (thank you to Mike's brother Steven and awesome GF Chris for hooking us up).
So yeah, at some point, I was bound to break. Today was that day.
Somehow, this morning something broke in my head. I started crying, and I couldnt stop.
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| How I felt this morning. |
It's not that I am trying to be super mom (although sometimes it can seem that way), I just dont like to admit when I need help. It makes me feel weak and I really dont like to feel weak. I think this is something that stems from when I was a kid. I was always sort of...self raised I feel. So to have to ask for help, is not something I am used to.
That being said, the breakdown happened and I needed to do something about it. I was able to let my wonderful husband know about it, and I am sure he has been sort of sensing the increasing frustration in me over the past few weeks.
It's not that he never lets me go out, but by the time that we figure out that one of us can go out somewhere, I am either too tired, we have no funds (as we are trying to save up), or I have a headache/dont feel well, or honestly....simply dont feel like getting dolled up.
A BIG part of this is all mental on my part. I should be forcing myself to go out more (as Mike tries to get me to do), but I'm an idiot and I dont. Blame the mother in me, but I want to be near my family, even though sometimes they are the ones I need a break from. I adore them, they make my heart happy. However there are only so many hours you can take of crying, saying no, and trying to raise them (the girls....not the man child lol) not to be little bastards like some other kids who's parents let them get away with murder.
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| My girls, Emma on the left, and Zoe on the right - too cute right? |
Thankfully I have a husband who is so incredibly understanding, and loves me to the moon and back, as I adore him too.
Not only did he feel my stressful breakdown, but worked out with his boss that he was leaving at noon to come home and let me get out for the whole afternoon without the girls.
While I was waiting for him to come home, I was still crying. I talked to my best friend Marian and my sister (who both live in Ottawa), and my close friend Carla.
Carla ended up showing up at my house with an iced capp from Tim Hortons. I was SO touched that she showed up just cause she felt I needed a friend, I gave her a great big hug and cried. We talked, and she told me I was too hard on myself, she told me to stop beating myself up and to get out more. That going out more does NOT make me a bad mother, it makes me a better mother.
I felt a sense of relief with her telling me this, because recently I have been feeling like a horrible mom. Like I dont do enough with my girls, like I cant give enough to my girls. I felt...like a failure to them because I had a breakdown.
Carla then noted that even with all my crying, and feeling badly about raising my voice so often in the past week, that Zoe was sitting on me, and laughing, and giving me love and hugs and kisses. I hadnt thought of that. It took Carla to tell me for me to realize it, and Emma smiles every time I look at her cause she loves me.
Mike got home, and Carla and I went out for lunch. We talked some more, and the guilt of not being home set in a little (yes, that's how little I get out, that going out for lunch without them makes me feel guilty for not being with them). Again, she talked me through it. Carla is so special to me, she gives with all her heart, and never expects anything in return. That's a special kind of person, a person everyone should have the pleasure of knowing and having in their lives. She's helped me through many days, dr's appointments with both girls when Mike is at work, and tells me to go lay down when she knows I am exhausted. She rocks! Everybody needs a CC.
Thank you to Carla for all the kind words, hugs and being my emotional rock recently. I appreciate it.
Then, there is Mike. The love of my life.
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| Such a handsome man!!!!! |
Mike gets me. He understands (for the most part) my insane need to be in control and know what and how I want things to work (mostly with the girls upbringing, the house, and making plans - as he has admitted the Hayes' cant plan!! lol). He makes me laugh, he knows when I need special words, a hug, a kiss and when I simply need to be left alone. He's silly, and loving, and respectful, and kind and amazing.
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| Mike being silly at our wedding March 7th 2009 |
The fact that he came home to allow me to have an afternoon for me, and to refocus myself is beyond appreciated, especially knowing that he has been very busy at work and has stress of his own.
More and more he reminds me of his father, someone who has the biggest heart ever. Always wanting to give to others regardless of if they need something themselves. Mike respects his father (as do I), and I can tell how much that has rubbed off on him. I have a father in law I am PROUD to have and love.
I know Mike loves me with all his heart, and I really hope he realizes how much I adore him and look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. To keep growing together, watch our girls go off to school, get married and have babies of their own, and Mike and I can get old and fat and sit on the front porch of our dream house and reminisce about the past while holding hands and rocking on our swing. All while still being completely and utterly in love with each other.
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| First dance as man and wife, "the way I am" by Ingrid Michaelson |
My soul, my whole being, belongs to him. He holds one of the 3 keys to my heart. The only other people that hold a key to my heart are Zoe and Emma, because they are the only one's who know what my heart sounds like from the inside. These 3 people fill my heart and make it whole.
As much as Mike and I can disagree and have fights, and as much as Zoe and Emma can cry to the point where I would sometimes like to rip out my hair....they are the true loves of my life. My reason for living.
They are the reason I need to take better care of myself, because they NEED me just as much as I NEED them!
I could never imagine my life without Mike, Zoe or Emma. I never want to be put in a position where I need to even think about it.
So all that being said (written?? lol), I think today happened to make me realize that I need time for myself. I need to reconnect with ME. I HAVE to do it for my family as well as myself, and I am sure that if I forget this...someone will tell me....or simply show me this post to make me remember it.
The only way I can end this post, is by telling my family.....
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