why is my kid such an asshole all of a sudden!!!!

Zoe....has taken to stomping her feet, crying for nothing and saying no.....a LOT recently.

It is making it very hard to keep my patience and not stick her out on the front lawn with a free sign strapped to her neck.

She will scream and cry and pout about nothing.

She stepped on a piece of cooked rice.
She has a scab on her leg because she plays like a boy and gets banged up.
The cat wont let her pet her....and then kick her.
Mommy and/or daddy said NO.
She doesn't want to eat
Her blanket is bunched up on her bed.
Her sister is crying.
She drank all her juice.
etc.....

Pretty much any reason is why she is crying. Reminds me a LOT of this - http://reasonsmysoniscrying.tumblr.com/

I keep thinking she is coming down with something. Nope.
I keep thinking its a growth spurt and she's just really tired. Nope.

I am now blaming the terrible two's and realized my hands are going to be very full for a while.

Tonight, she went to bed at 630, a full hour sooner than normal.

Gah!!!! I still have one more child that still hasn't even reached the beginning of this stage!!!!


Wish me luck....cause I am going to need it!!!!!!

Update since its been a while.

Well, here is an update on us in point form since way too much has happened and chances are I will even forget some.
Awesome - we moved into a house, I love having a yard, washer and dryer, the girls have their own room and Mike has an office again.
Not so awesome - our foundation has a leak so Mike is back in the dining room with us for the time being until the ground thaws and the landlord comes to dig 8 feet along the outside and fixes it. Hopefully this will be within the next 2 months and then I can put everything back in it's place.

Another not so awesome - I never knew how much a utilities company has SO MANY stupid useless fees for everything. On our first bill there is at least 5 sections that all have a stupid hidden fee that NOBODY ever uses. Sewer fees, 3 kinds of water charges, water heater rental etc.... it just keeps going. But that's what happens when you didn't have a utility bill at the last place and didn't know about all the shocking fees. lol

However....the most AWESOME PART OF ALL, we now get to regulate our own heat!!!!!!!!!! THANK THE BABY JESUS ITS NOT ALWAYS 30 DEGREES IN OUR HOUSE ANYMORE.
This will give you an idea of how different it is.
At the old place I was always wearing shorts and a tank top. Here, I wear pants and a tshirt for the most part and also put on socks or my slippers here and there. It's amazing!!!!!!

Awesome -  Zoe poops now. This restoralax stuff that the pediatrician told me to give her is a SUPER GAME CHANGER

She goes regularly now without complain, no crying, nothing getting stuck, no hiding in the corner afraid that I would see her trying to hold it and pick her up and bend her legs. AMAZING.

Awesome -  I bought a deep freeze off kijiji and I LOVE the fact that I can cook massive soups, and meals and freeze them. I also love that I can buy 2 of stuff now when on sale and store it in the freezer for those other times of the month where something always comes up and the grocery budget is a little smaller. (come on....lets admit it...it happens to all of us).

Awesome - our living room isn't AS taken over by kids toys anymore. We store a lot of them in the girls rooms now and in the basement. It really helps make our living room a little more adult once the girls go to bed.
Now, I knew that we would still have some toys left out, but it's NOTHING like it was at the old place where we had nowhere else to put stuff.

View into the dining room from the living room

View of the living room from the dining room (it has changed a little since this pic was taken)

And I just realized that since I reorganized for Mikes desk to come into the dining room....once it goes back into the basement I will take Zoe's play kitchen and stick it in the dining room which will make even less in the living room.

My little kitchen

Awesome -  Mike and I have our bedroom back. At the old place we didn't want to put Emma in the girls room just yet because Zoe kept throwing things into her crib and the last thing I wanted was to come in one morning and find everything on top of my baby.
So now Emma is in her own room and it's great.
Not so awesome - She still cant find her suce in the middle of the night on her own and was waking up way too many times for it. So we have been sleep training her. She is getting much better now, and she is maybe crying for 3-5 minutes once in the middle of the night (which we don't go in for). So she seems to be getting the hang of things finally.

Sleep training is hard, and it takes a lot of dedication NOT to go into your childs room....but its worth it when you wake up realizing that you didn't hear your baby at all during the night. So refreshing. lol

NOT awesome -  Zoe is the full throws of the terrible 2's and not listening and pushing her limits even more than I thought she did before. Some days she gets a few time outs, where as the next day she might be an angel. That's the most frustrating part of it all, not knowing what side of your kid you will see until the first hour into the day. Today thankfully seems to be a good day, which is why I am able to sit and write a blog post while Emma is down for a nap. The only thing is that Zoe is stealing all the carrots I put on my counter since I am making a spaghetti sauce in a bit. But to be honest, she can steal all the carrots she wants. I have more in the fridge.


Otherwise, all is pretty much the same with us over here. A happy little family.

Some people deserve a kick in the throat

So, I am going to try not to rant too badly here, but I am so disappointed with humanity.

It seems that the nice, respectful, polite people are very few and far between.

The amount of times that I hold the door open for people and don't get a thank you (yes....even when I have both girls with me), letting people cut in front of me in line at the grocery store, coffee places, in parking lots etc....
I like doing things for others. When people come for dinner I make something from scratch I know they will like, even if it means learning how to make something I have never made before (like Vegan meals). I am a people pleaser, I like people to feel happy and comfortable when around me.

What bothers me are the people who don't say thank you or acknowledge that you've helped or have done something for them.

Granted for every person who is rude and impolite, there is always that 1 person who will restore some of your faith in humanity. However its sad that this happens so little that when someone does restore a bit of faith you get really excited and want to run over and high five them or hug the for being so kind. (at least that's how I feel)

It's easy to hold a door open for 5 seconds.

My 2 year old says please and thank you more often than most adults

I have so many stories I could write about how people have "wronged" others or me. But that would make this a really long post, and momma is tired tonight.

All I can say is that everyone should make an effort to be more polite. Do something for someone else, even someone you don't know.
It doesn't cost anything to hold a door open, or smile at someone, or simply say "thank you" to someone for something they have done for you.

Take the time to pay attention around you, and if you see someone walking behind you by 20-30 seconds....just wait and hold the door open for them, don't just be a jerk and look at them and let it close behind you. Especially if you see that this person is holding something or has a child/children.

Karma makes its rounds people, and I don't know about all of you, but I like the feeling I get when doing something nice for someone.



You know it!!!

If everyone just made an effort, the world would be a nicer, happier place.

what a turn in events

so this post will be a little different from my last post which was all gushy.

Today...was a BAD day in the Hayes house. Zoe didn't know what she wanted which led to a lot of random and for nothing crying for long periods of time. i also tried to explain to her that she needs to use her words because i don't understand her when she cries. that did nothing.

an accurate depiction of my day

I am really hoping the rest of the week goes well. we move in less than 2 weeks and i still have a lot of packing to do.

Wish me luck, i think i'll need it!

My babies are growing too fast!!!

I have recently started giving Emma cereal, and it's a bit of a bittersweet moment for me.
It's exciting, but it's also making me realize that she isn't the small baby that I still feel she is.

It's prompted a trip down memory lane for me, and while going through pictures I realized that yes both girls have differences...but there is NO way anyone can say they don't look alike.

Zoe at 1 month old

Emma at 1 month old

I look at Zoe and Emma now, and I don't see it. Zoe has changed so much over the span of 2 years, but she is her own little person now. She's gorgeous, as she was when she was a baby too, but I simply don't remember her being tiny. I don't remember her being Emma's size even.

My little monkey having a snack just before Emma was born

This will give you an idea as to how quickly things change in babies if you are not a parent yourself.
Emma is 5 months old. She weighs approximately 17lbs right now and it at least 25 inches long. Yes, she's a very healthy girl :)

Over the holidays I was SO excited to get to hold my newest little niece Isla. When I held her she was 3 weeks old, weighed around the 10lb mark, and was probably around 23 inches long.
She felt like the tiniest baby I had ever held.
Now, keep in mind that Emma was smaller then Isla when she was born (Emma was 7.12 and 19inches long, Isla was 10.14 and 22inches long). So how is it I cant remember 5 months back to when she was that tiny?

To make matters even stranger...a friend of ours is pregnant and having a girl come May 2013. I went through all the clothing I kept from Emma (as I have a few friends who are pregnant and I wanted to wait to see what the sexes would be before I got rid of them - YAY one of them is a girl! lol) and I held up some newborn outfits and thought "Emma wore this??" and yes...she did.
It is amazing how fast you can forget. Even the sounds that little Isla was making, her little coo's and grunts so different from Emma, and Isla was still covered in that little fuzzy "down" hair that babies have all over  their bodies, Emma doesn't have that anymore, although she does still have the kissable soft baby skin. :)

I kept staring from Isla to Emma thinking "time is precious and I have to make the most of every second I have at home with my girls".

 

Zoe fast asleep on the couch

Emma on her way to nap-land in her swing

 

I keep thinking more and more about how fast time flies, and how right now with Zoe being in her "terrible 2's" stage and Emma being so small she cant do much in terms of movement and talking right now, in a few years I will probably miss all of this (although I probably wont miss the lack of sleep even though Emma is a good night sleeper).

 

Zoe

Emma

 

 

I'll miss moments like holding them and having them be content to just stay in my arms, sneaking in  pictures and kisses while they sleep, chasing after them or playing peek-a-boo to get them to laugh. They wont be babies forever, and all I can do is instill in them how to be respectful and polite, to do things for others without having to be asked, and to ALWAYS treat others the way they would want to be treated.

 

Zoe taking a nap with daddy in Ottawa at my moms

Emma taking a nap with daddy in Ottawa at my moms.
(It was also Zoe's 2nd birthday)

 

Having kids has made me realize that my life was never fully complete without them. I ADORE Mike, but the love you have for your life partner, and the love you hold for your kids are two completely different types of love. (I've had this discussion with Mike, and he wholeheartedly agrees.)
You can never experience a love like the love you hold for your child until you become a parent. Your heart becomes so full it almost wants to explode, then you have a second child and your heart grows even bigger.
I can only best describe it this way, if your child needed a heart, and you were a proper donor....you would rip your own heart out to give it to them without blinking an eye. THAT is the love you feel when being a parent. You would EASILY give up your own life if it could save your child's life, or at least that's how I feel.

Yes, it can be hard.
Yes, there are MANY frustrating moments.
Yes, a lot of it is a guessing game at times.
YES there is a LOT of lack of sleep.

Would I give it up for anything in the world....quite simply put....NEVER.

My family is my life. I ADORE them to the moon and back. I would give them anything and everything I can. As long as they are happy and healthy, I will be a happy mom and wife.

Zoe

Emma

 

Now that Emma has started eating real food, I know the time will simply fly by faster and faster. Before I know it she will be crawling, then talking, then walking.

 

Moments like this will exist only in pictures. 

Snuggles between mom and Emma

Regardless of how time flies by, I know that my girls will always be in the forefront of my heart, mind and soul.
They will always be my little girls, even when they are married and have babies of their own.

I know that within a few months, Emma will be eating more than cereal and avocado (I have carrot ready for her in my freezer, and we always have banana's here as well).
So sooner rather than later, she will look like Zoe did while eating raspberries too.

 

I will take every moment with my girls and make it the best moment I can. I will always have memories, and TONS of pictures to remind me that yes, they "were" that small at one point.

 

 

Headaches, stress and drama OH MY!!!!

Well, the holidays are over and I am SO excited about that.
Let me explain, I love having kids that Mike and I can start our own traditions with. THAT is my number one reason for loving the holidays, what I don't like is all the stress and drama that is ALWAYS included with holidays.

Let's start at the beginning of December, when randomly I started getting bombarded with migraines and the girls got sick which then led to Mike and I being sick as well.
Since this time my cold has turned into a HORRIBLE sinus infection leading to even more headaches and teeth pain due to it being so congested in my nasal cavity. Teeth pain to the point where I actually debated pulling my own teeth!!!

 



So December has been a mix of stress, planning, more stress, fights with family (mine in particular), last minute changes to things which also lead to more stress and anger and sadness.

For the last 2.5 weeks of December I have been sick to my stomach with stress and anger and resentment towards certain people. So much so that I had cramps, stress spots, early monthly "visitor" that lasted extra long, and a lot of pain meds to try to get rid of headaches and insomnia.

Probably the amount of drugs I went through in December lol

I came to the realization this holiday season that from now on I need to plan for us and us alone. No more planning around other people.
Mike and I are tired of always being the ones that need to make the drive out to Ottawa and run around even more while there. This leads to a very tiresome trip and 2 kids that are miserable by the time we are ready to go home.
It's not fair to them or us.

I have lived in Peterborough coming on 7 years now, and I can count on 1 hand...ONE HAND how many times my immediate family has visited.
It hurts the heart when you realize that your best friends have visited more often then your own family. Rob and Mal have come down a few times (and are coming again beginning February which is awesome), and Marian, Sean and their kids have been out here more often than my own family too.

I understand that its hard to travel....trust me....we do it at least every 3 months!!! Now with 2 young kids it's even harder to do because there is a lot more to plan for. I have to start planning/packing for a trip he week before we leave, anticipating what we will need or all the "what if" factors as well. ]Formula, bottles, snow pants in the winter, snowsuit for Emma, playpen, blankets for the playpens (cant use massive blankets in them), snacks for the road for Zoe....etc....and last but not least, what time to leave and where will that get us approximately before Emma's next feed.
All in all, it's a LOT that I don't think people realize is happening.

Long story short, my new years resolution is the following:
1-I a no longer going to make excuses for people who don't want to put forth the effort to see us or the girls when we go down to Ottawa.
We cant please everyone and we need to start making plans for us and not planning around others. We will let people know when we will be going down, but we will not change those plans because someone cant do something which is what we have been doing for a LONG time for trips.
2-I will no longer make excuses for my family as to why they do not come to visit us here in PTBO.
I tend to always say things like "well, my mom doesn't like to drive for long periods, my dad doesn't drive for long periods and has a dog, my sister has the kids and goes to the cottage during the summer, my sister and mom are allergic to cats" etc....
Enough with the excuses. I am family too, and they can make an effort to come here too. I am NOT the only one that needs to do this.
Ptbo has a bus station, we have the train station close that we could EASILY pick people up from, and space in our new house will always be available and made for people, and I always have allergy meds on hand as I have allergies in the winter months as well.

I have officially come to the realization that there is no more trying to make everyone around me happy (though it's ingrained in me and obviously I am not changing who I am), what I mean is I am doing things for US as a family FIRST, and others second.

Yes this is the way it should have been all along....but it's hard to stop doing something that you have done your whole life.
So let's hope that 2013 brings less stress, less sickness, and more happiness and visits to US!!!

:)


So in closing....this picture is exactly how I feel about the holidays

 

Lets hope for a better holidays this year! (I'm thinking of doing our Christmas with our families end of November to avoid all the drama and stress!!!! GENIUS I know!!)

Everybody poops

My poor Zoe has been having issue after issue with pooping.

A few months back she had such hard poops that they would sometimes get stuck and we would have to "help" it out. Since that time we have been having more and more issues because Zoe is now afraid of going and she will clench and hold it in as long as possible.
We keep trying to explain that she will feel better, she just needs to let it out. The issue is, you cant expect a 2 year old to understand any of this. She just looks at us like we are insane.

When kids are born, the hospital sends you home with a package that contains a sheet of paper about the different poops that you can expect to see. At least they do this in my town.

Most kids I know have had poop issues but adding flax or extra water normally resolves the issue. In Zoe's case, I have tried everything I can think of, have researched, or was told worked.
Food wise:
Adding flax seed to food
extra fluid
oatmeal
increasing fibre
bran
extra fruit
extra of certain veggies
prunes
juice

I've even gone as far as making bran muffins, veggie and fruit muffins, flax muffins, changing her pasta to the whole grain with flax pasta, changing her bread to multi grain bread, no cheese, etc.....

Non food stuff:
abdomen massage
stool softener (kid friendly)
suppository
Lactulose (laxative)

I know I am missing stuff in the above lists, and it's gotten so bad that we have a referral for Zoe to see a pediatrician because of her chronic constipation now (appointment in January 2013),

Funny chart I found online, I think my favorite is the "sassy turd" lol

It seems that you can look everywhere and find something about poop. It's a topic that is so widespread and talked about that it just pops up in everyday conversations now.
It's even more normal when you are talking to another parent. We seem to discuss our kids and their pooping habits any single chance we get. You can tell so much from a child's poop.

I don't know where this is from, or what it's really for but it's funny to try to figure out what each one is.

All in all, it's hell trying to get a toddler who doesn't want to poop to actually poop. You feel bad about watching your child clench her butt cheeks together trying to hold it in, getting tiny little "chocolate covered raisin" presents in a diaper that lead you to changing that diaper again even though you did recently and it's not wet, just has a tiny spec of poo in/on it and you don't want your child to stay in it.
Having to scoop out, drain, clean and then refill the tub because you cant get mad that her bowels relaxed enough in the tub and she ends up pooping (cause at least she's pooping right?).
Yes there are certain times that are funny, like when your child starts to think that farting is "a poo poo" and exclaims it all the time VERY loudly.
Watching my baby poop is still funny, red faced grunts make me laugh.

I wish that there was something that I could have done to make things easier for Zoe, but I literally having tried all I can.....until today!!!! (and whatever the dr tells us to do).

I have been noticing that the poops Zoe has been having are becoming less rock hard and more semi soft. SO....this morning I noticed her clenching and trying to hold it in (including walking like a penguin so she didn't unclench her bum cheeks), I decided that since she always stands legs stiff together, and shoulders back and braces herself....what would happen if I picked her up??
So I did. I folded her legs into her body (as much as she would let me) and she couldn't clench and that turd HAD to come out. She didn't scream like she does when she is holding it in and it decides to come out on it's own anyways cause it cant hold back anymore.....but you could tell she wasn't too sure what was happening. SHE POOPED!!!!!! A good sized, decent turd!
I was SO proud of her. I kept telling her she pooped and it didn't hurt!!!
I cleaned her up and she seemed like a new child. All day I told all my friends of my daughters poop!!!!

Then tonight, I catch her clenching again (keep in mind I knew that 1 poop wouldn't be enough to clear her out from weeks and weeks of holding it in) and I decided I would try my new found trick once more. SUCCESS!!!!!! We had another big poo!!!!!!
My friend Amanda was here and she also pointed out that after that second poo, her stomach wasn't distended anymore either. Something I had never noticed before!!!!

I hope that I can get her to just push things out on her own again once she realizes that going doesn't hurt anymore, and I also hope that until that time, she doesn't run from me when I see her clenching and come to get her to pick her up! lol

Baby Bennett has arrived (and my post is a few days late)

 

 

 

Isla Raine Bennett was born December 11th at 1:18am at a healthy 10lbs 14ounces, and 22inches long.

 

She is a gorgeous, healthy little miss whom I am completely addicted and in love with already.

Marian keeps sending me pictures and I adore each and every single one. She's so cute, and I wish I was there to snuggle and kiss her non stop.

 

 

Little baby Bennett, come out and play!!!!

A new little baby Bennett is on route, and I for one cant wait to see if it's a he or she, how big this baby will be (since they are stating that they could be up to 12 lbs already) and how cute they will be as well.

Marian, my best friend, someone that is what I would refer to as my soul sister (I swear we were related in a past life) is pregnant with her third child. No doubt another adorably cute little muffin that will be making another place in my heart.

Marian's partner (and another of our closest friends) Sean Bennett, are 2 of the greatest people I know. I don't think I could ever picture my life without them.
They are fun, free spirited, loving, respectful, amazing people. Our family includes them, Marian truly is my sister.

Bennett and Marian - those crazy kids!! (this is a pic from a wedding they went to recently)

Marian was due December 5th (also Bennett's birthday), and this little muffin still has not graced us with his or her presence.
I keep checking my phone anytime I get a message because I am so excited to I cant wait much longer to hear about this little baby being born.

The Bennett kids are super cute, incredibly smart, and very well raised . They make my heart smile when I get to see them, or simply even hear about something new that they are doing. Elayna, the eldest, asks about Zoe often too, which makes my heart soar with happiness. We live almost 4 hours away (they live in Ottawa), we don't get to see each other nearly enough, yet this little miss KNOWS that we love her and miss her and wants to know and hear about Zoe (and now Emma).
Alec, their second born, is super smart too. Goes around singing and talking, drinking out of open glasses with NO spillage...it blows my mind.

He and Zoe have 3 weeks difference between them, but Alec (nicknamed Master Man) has been seeing Elayna (nicknamed Peans - short for peanut) doing all these different things and he picked up on them a lot faster. (I was told Emma would pick up on things like Alec did since she will be seeing Zoe doing them).
So Marian and I send each other pictures,video and voice notes about the kids, or even about ourselves or funny things we see or do if we cant call one another!! I don't know about her, but it makes me feel like I live closer. Like I am there in spirit as they are here in spirit with us.
I hate being so far away from the people I wish I could see everyday!

Peans and Master Man - super cute!!!!

Marian is currently at the hospital, waiting to see if she will be induced or not since they called her in this afternoon.
She has also been having contractions for the past 10 days. She is already 5cm's dilated, and this was before going to the hospital. She has been saying that she was seeing big contractions on the monitor at the hospital, but they simply felt like cramping on her end. Weird how every pregnancy is different! With Peans and MM (master man) she said that she could really feel the contractions and that by the time she was 4 cms dilated she was ready for that epidural!

I am bummed though, because I wish I could be there with her so badly. She told me that she would love for me to be in the room with her, because she trusts me, and knows I would support her in the rough times (to anyone who has never had kids....trust me....sometimes, you need some extra words of encouragement lol), she could squeeze my hand, yell, curse me out, and I would never even bat an eye. Obviously Bennett will be there too, I would just be the "extra", but man, I would LOVE to be that extra!!!
So, this is what we decided on....constant updates.
She messages me when new information becomes available. I know she wont be able to do this when full on in the throws of labor....but I know that once she has this muffin, she will message me, or Bennett will (which I made quite clear the last time we saw each other). ;p

Marian on November 29th 2012

Marian is THE most gorgeous pregnant lady I have ever seen. She's just gorgeous all the time to be honest, pregnant or not. There's something about her that makes her glow.
She has this amazing aura to her, she makes me feel calm and relaxed, like there is nothing wrong with the world. I feel I could tell her anything. Her laugh in contagious, and she feeds us like we're kings and queens (and DAMN that woman can cook!!!!). We just laugh, and talk, and watch the kids play. The boys talk movies and games etc....and the girls talk babies, food, and whatever else!!

When we visit, it's sort of bittersweet though, because we have so much to do when in Ottawa that sometimes the visits have to be short....but they feel even shorter because we never want to leave!! We could have 3 full days with them, and it would still feel too short.
Thankfully, they understand that we have a lot to do when we visit, we never get the guilt trips for not being able to stay long. We appreciate that more than anything because we get the guilt trips from multiple other places/people when we don't have a chance to visit others.

They get it, and that makes them even more awesome!

Now this baby has been estimated to be anywhere between 9.5-12lbs already. Alec, was 10.8lbs, which leads me to think that this baby will be even bigger.

December 9th 2012 - going to the hospital for possible induction

So right now, I am sitting here writing this post, and talking to her through messages and all the while my head is spinning with all the thoughts of this little baby coming tonight or tomorrow at some point.
I really hope that I hear my phone once I fall asleep....if I fall asleep. I'm just a little too excited right now!!
Honestly, if I didn't have kids of my own, I'd already be on route to Ottawa to be there with/for her!

Update to follow once baby is born!

I had a breakdown today...everything happens for a reason though

Warning....this will be a long, somewhat sad/sappy/lovey post.

For the past 4 months now I have only gotten out without the girls 3-4 times, and those times were for no more than 2 hours each. We were lucky enough to have one of these times be a date night (thank you to Mike's brother Steven and awesome GF Chris for hooking us up).

So yeah, at some point, I was bound to break. Today was that day.
Somehow, this morning something broke in my head. I started crying, and I couldnt stop.

How I felt this morning.

I have been feeling this coming on for quite some time now, why didnt I do anything about it? Pride.
It's not that I am trying to be super mom (although sometimes it can seem that way), I just dont like to admit when I need help. It makes me feel weak and I really dont like to feel weak. I think this is something that stems from when I was a kid. I was always sort of...self raised I feel. So to have to ask for help, is not something I am used to.

That being said, the breakdown happened and I needed to do something about it. I was able to let my wonderful husband know about it, and I am sure he has been sort of sensing the increasing frustration in me over the past few weeks.
It's not that he never lets me go out, but by the time that we figure out that one of us can go out somewhere, I am either too tired, we have no funds (as we are trying to save up), or I have a headache/dont feel well, or honestly....simply dont feel like getting dolled up.

A BIG part of this is all mental on my part. I should be forcing myself to go out more (as Mike tries to get me to do), but I'm an idiot and I dont. Blame the mother in me, but I want to be near my family, even though sometimes they are the ones I need a break from. I adore them, they make my heart happy. However there are only so many hours you can take of crying, saying no, and trying to raise them (the girls....not the man child lol) not to be little bastards like some other kids who's parents let them get away with murder.

My girls, Emma on the left, and Zoe on the right - too cute right?

I KNOW I need to start asking for help more often. Raising our girls properly, doing house stuff, groceries, laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking, etc....it all takes it's toll.
Thankfully I have a husband who is so incredibly understanding, and loves me to the moon and back, as I adore him too.
Not only did he feel my stressful breakdown, but worked out with his boss that he was leaving at noon to come home and let me get out for the whole afternoon without the girls.

While I was waiting for him to come home, I was still crying. I talked to my best friend Marian and my sister (who both live in Ottawa), and my close friend Carla.
Carla ended up showing up at my house with an iced capp from Tim Hortons. I was SO touched that she showed up just cause she felt I needed a friend, I gave her a great big hug and cried. We talked, and she told me I was too hard on myself, she told me to stop beating myself up and to get out more. That going out more does NOT make me a bad mother, it makes me a better mother.
I felt a sense of relief with her telling me this, because recently I have been feeling like a horrible mom. Like I dont do enough with my girls, like I cant give enough to my girls. I felt...like a failure to them because I had a breakdown.
Carla then noted that even with all my crying, and feeling badly about raising my voice so often in the past week, that Zoe was sitting on me, and laughing, and giving me love and hugs and kisses. I hadnt thought of that. It took Carla to tell me for me to realize it, and Emma smiles every time I look at her cause she loves me. 

Mike got home, and Carla and I went out for lunch. We talked some more, and the guilt of not being home set in a little (yes, that's how little I get out, that going out for lunch without them makes me feel guilty for not being with them). Again, she talked me through it. Carla is so special to me, she gives with all her heart, and never expects anything in return. That's a special kind of person, a person everyone should have the pleasure of knowing and having in their lives. She's helped me through many days, dr's appointments with both girls when Mike is at work, and tells me to go lay down when she knows I am exhausted. She rocks! Everybody needs a CC.
Thank you to Carla for all the kind words, hugs and being my emotional rock recently. I appreciate it.

Then, there is Mike. The love of my life.



Such a handsome man!!!!!



Mike gets me. He understands (for the most part) my insane need to be in control and know what and how I want things to work (mostly with the girls upbringing, the house, and making plans - as he has admitted the Hayes' cant plan!! lol). He makes me laugh, he knows when I need special words, a hug, a kiss and when I simply need to be left alone. He's silly, and loving, and respectful, and kind and amazing.



Mike being silly at our wedding March 7th 2009



The fact that he came home to allow me to have an afternoon for me, and to refocus myself is beyond appreciated, especially knowing that he has been very busy at work and has stress of his own.

More and more he reminds me of his father, someone who has the biggest heart ever. Always wanting to give to others regardless of if they need something themselves. Mike respects his father (as do I), and I can tell how much that has rubbed off on him. I have a father in law I am PROUD to have and love.

I know Mike loves me with all his heart, and I really hope he realizes how much I adore him and look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. To keep growing together, watch our girls go off to school, get married and have babies of their own, and Mike and I can get old and fat and sit on the front porch of our dream house and reminisce about the past while holding hands and rocking on our swing. All while still being completely and utterly in love with each other.



First dance as man and wife, "the way I am" by Ingrid Michaelson



My soul, my whole being, belongs to him. He holds one of the 3 keys to my heart. The only other people that hold a key to my heart are Zoe and Emma, because they are the only one's who know what my heart sounds like from the inside. These 3 people fill my heart and make it whole.

As much as Mike and I can disagree and have fights, and as much as Zoe and Emma can cry to the point where I would sometimes like to rip out my hair....they are the true loves of my life. My reason for living.

They are the reason I need to take better care of myself, because they NEED me just as much as I NEED them!

I could never imagine my life without Mike, Zoe or Emma. I never want to be put in a position where I need to even think about it.

So all that being said (written?? lol), I think today happened to make me realize that I need time for myself. I need to reconnect with ME. I HAVE to do it for my family as well as myself, and I am sure that if I forget this...someone will tell me....or simply show me this post to make me remember it.

The only way I can end this post, is by telling my family.....

Where is Zoe, cause this is NOT my child!!!

Where to begin.

I woke up with a headache, not such an unsual thing right now with the weather the way it's been.

Got out to the living room, fed Emma, no problems. Let Zoe finish her breakfast and cleaned her off...and then things got interesting.

Zoe has had a cold the past few days, she's coughing and sneezing and snotting all over. So not only do I have to chase after her with a kleenex to wipe her nose, and chase after her to wash her hands and face, but she's irritable, tired, and just plain not her bubbly, cute, happy self.

Normally, I can deal with the irritability, the crabbiness, the plain old refusal to do anything I ask. Today however, was a different story.

Her favorite word right now is NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!  She screams it so the world can hear (and obviously always loud enough to wake her sister who has JUST fallen asleep).





This is how my day proceeded.

Zoe wanted to have a snack so I got her some cheerios in a baggie and gave them to her. This is normally an awesome snack because it keeps her busy, she still LOVES cheerios, and it allows me to get some stuff done around the house. NOT THIS MORNING!!!

She not only dumped half her bag of cheerios into a small bucket (which sounds ok, right???) only the bucket was filled to the rim and she still doesnt quite fully grasp the "it has to be kept level for things not to fall out of it" thing.

Then I took the bucket away when 3/4 of the cheerios fell out TWICE after having told her multiple times to keep it level. I put the cheerios back into the baggie and gave it back to her.
She proceeded to stare me in the face, and dump the cheerios onto the floor. Let me tell you, those cheerios got swept up fast and into the garbage they went!!

After about an hour she said she wanted a snack, by this point it was pretty much lunch time so I made lunch. She proceeded to eat NONE of the lunch. So I told her that was lunch, and that is what she has to eat, I am not making anything else. I stood my ground (something we have HAD to instill recently as it has been happening all too often). After lunch, I felt defeated, drained, and all around like a bad mom since my kid had not eaten very much.



Even though this is not my girls and I, the toddler licking her arm with the look of "yes...I broke mommy" is how I felt today.



Nap time came, and I was magically able to get both girls down for a nap at the same time. Emma's didnt last too long, but I was still able to get a good hour alone in peace and quiet to regroup and re-energize.

Once Emma woke up I fed her and played with her.

Zoe woke up a little later and of course, was hungry. I cut up half a pear and put it into a bowl for her. It started on the table, and made it's way to the couch. All was going well, I went into the kitchen to get some water, came back out and all the pears had disapeared. My first thought was "no, she couldnt have eaten them that quickly" and then realized she was standing next to a play purse. Yep, 3 half eaten pieces of pear out of 4. I took them out, stated she needed to sit at the table to eat her snack and placed them on the table.
For the sake of not turning this post into a novel, there were at least 3 other messes to clean up after the pear incident. One of which was chewed up almonds. Bleh.

Zoe ended up getting a few time outs this afternoon too. This is the thing about time outs at our house. I only leave her in time out for 2 minutes, or unless she comes out of time out and still is not listening, then she goes back. Normally Zoe doesnt get many time out's, she's a great kid to be honest, but when she's sick, she's like the devils spawn!!

This is how I WISH time out's went at our house:



Note the calmly seated child

THIS is how they actually go:

I chose this because Zoe has this same "drama queen" look during a T.O

By this point it was almost time for Mike to get home from work. So just to find out how far he was so I could start dinner I called him, he hadnt even left work yet. Discouraged I hung up the phone, and got to cooking dinner.
All the while Zoe is laying on the play mat with Emma where I can see them and they are both calm and happy. I turned my back for 20 seconds and next thing I know Emma is screeching and Zoe looks guilty. She had been kicking the play mat bars and the toys dangling from them smacked Emma in the face I assume (this also happens failry regularly recently).

I got Emma and sat her in her high chair to be closer to me. That calmed things down a bit at least. 
Mike got home and asked "rough afternoon" to which I simply nodded.
I got Zoe's plate ready and sat her down for dinner. I took Emma from Mike to calm her down a little bit as she had started crying again (another post on our "hell hours" to follow soon) and sat on the couch with her while Mike got himself a plate and sat down with Zoe.

Once Emma had settled a bit, I put her in her high chair once more, and got myself a plate. I however, ate in the kitchen just to have a bit of breathing room. After a few minutes I then sat down at the table with my family.

We proceeded to bathe the girls, gave a bottle to Emma, Mike read a book to Zoe and both girls are now in bed.

I swear on days like today all I can think is "i'm such a horrible mom", but then I think back to my day, and I realize...i'm not a bad mom. I dont hit, curse, or mentally abuse my kids.
I know when to step away and take a breather, and at the end of the day my girls love me and they know I only want the best for them.
And I am sure that I am not the only mom who feels that way about their own lives